I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
