I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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