She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
