I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
