Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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