I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
