i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
