Did you just see the Batmobile???
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
