i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
