insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
