can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Randomize
