How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
