12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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