I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
