You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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