i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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