This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
