Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
