I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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