I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
