watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
