i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
