Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
