So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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