Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have fence marks all over my body
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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