Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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