i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
