i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
