1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize