Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
