I haven't been this sober since birth.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize