hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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