I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
