Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
