I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
