after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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