It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
