38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
