I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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