My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
