I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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