I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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