Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
