Cold hands, warm shart.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
