I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
