You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
