sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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