Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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