Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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