Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
