you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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