I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize