I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
