Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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