I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
