sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
