My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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