Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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